Sunday, August 28, 2011

How's That Again . . . ?

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

2. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

3. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

4. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

5. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

6. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog and will usually have Arkansas license plates.

7. The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.

8. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
9. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

10. When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

The Quote of the Month

is by *Jay Leno:

"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

*Actually a quote by B.C. Forbes. I am very good about checking my email forwards for authenticity . . . however I never did check this one, until now. So as I was going through these (yes! I still reread them!) and I have found that it was Jay Leno quoting someone else. Sorry. I will try to be more diligent in doing these checks before I post them. I am keeping Jay's name up there, as I suppose he's the one who made it famous . . . it's a great quote.

The "Middle Wife"

By An Anonymous 2nd Grade Teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday."

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe. They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. 

Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another "Middle Wife" comes along.

Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy!


Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U C L A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway)
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
A calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture: a jab well done.
*profundity |prəˈfəndətē|noun ( pl. -ties)
deep insight; great depth of knowledge or thought : the simplicity and profundity of the message.
great depth or intensity of a state, quality, or emotion: the profundity of her misery.
a statement or idea that shows great knowledge or insight.

Just Because It Is Right . . .

Cowardice asks the question - is it safe?

Expediency asks the question - is it politic?

Vanity asks the question - is it popular?

But conscience asks the question - is it right?

And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular; but one must take it because it is right.

Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

The Barber and The Customer

A man went to a barbershop to have 
his hair cut and his beard trimmed. 
As the barber began to work, 
they began to have a good conversation. 
They talked about so many things 
and various subjects. 

When they eventually touched on 
the subject of God, the barber said: 

"I don't believe that God exists." 

"Why do you say that?" 
Asked the customer. 

"Well, you just have to go out in
the street to realize that God doesn't exist. Tell me, if God exists, 
would there be so many sick people? 
Would there be abandoned children? If God existed, there would be neither 
suffering nor pain. 
I can't imagine loving a God who would allow all of these things." 

The customer thought for a moment, 
but didn't respond because he didn't 
want to start an argument. 
The barber finished his job and the customer left the shop. 
Just after he left the barbershop, 
He saw a man in the street with long, stringy, dirty hair and an untrimmed beard.
He looked dirty and unkept. 

The customer turned back and entered the barber shop again and he said
to the barber:

"You know what? Barbers do not exist." 

"How can you say that?" 
Asked the surprised barber. 

"I am here, and I am a barber. 
And I just worked on you!" 

"No!" the customer exclaimed. 
"Barbers don't exist because if they did, there would be no 
people with dirty long hair and untrimmed beards, 
Like that man outside." 

"Ah, but barbers DO exist! 
What happens is, people do not come to me." 

Affirmed the customer. 
"That's the point! 
God, too, DOES exist! 
What happens is, people don't go to Him and do not look for Him. 
That's why there's so much pain and suffering in the world."


These are all from a facebook page "Chocolate".  


There are only three things in life that matter - good friends,
good chocolate and, oh dear, what was that other one?

Never eat more chocolate than you can lift!

Q: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car?

The 12-step chocoholics program:

Today is Earth Day,
protect our home, remember It's the only planet with chocolate!

<=== I'm not overweight, just chocolate enriched.

Exercise is a dirty word . . . . Every time I hear it,
I wash my mouth out with chocolate. :)

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done :)

When is your favorite time to eat chocolate?

a. After a good meal.
b. Between meals.
c. As meals.
d. All of the above.

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm yum yum!! want some?

I never thought that one broken heart would look so yummy!

Did you know . . .
In some areas, such as Yucatán Mexico,
cacao beans were still used in place of small coins as late as the 1840s.

When no one understands you, chocolate is there!

When do you get your strongest chocolate cravings?

a: After dinner for dessert
b: Mid-afternoon, as a pick-me-up
c: Before breakfast
d: All day long
e: At night, in bed

Eating chocolate . . . .

a: Stimulates my mind
b: Calms me down, soothes me
c: Makes me happy
d: Energizes me
e: All of the above . . . .

Give me chocolate and nobody gets hurt!!!!!!!

I love U chocolate

May 2009

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Julian Beever - Incredible 3-D Sidewalk Art

Chalk drawings from Julian Beever. Incredible!!!!!
Julian Beever is an English artist who's famous for his art on the pavements of England, France, Germany, USA, Australia and Belgium.
Beever gives to his drawings an amazing 3D illusion.
It's hard to remember that all these paintings are FLAT and that you can see them from just one angle to get the effect of the 3-D art.

Don't miss seeing Julian on the top of the bottle -

Do you notice that everything is fake, even the hose and water?

Look closely . . .
you can see the bricks through the chalk on the "monitor screen".

There is no hole in the pavement!!

People are actually avoiding walking in the "hole"!!

Which is the real guy and beer?

Found on facebook:

July 2008

REMEMBER RULE #1 - It’s Golden

I grew up in Trenton, a west Tennessee town of five thousand people. I have wonderful memories of those first eighteen years, and many people in Trenton influenced my life in very positive ways. My football coach, Walter Kilzer, taught me the importance of hard work, discipline, and believing in myself. My history teacher, Fred Culp, is still the funniest person I’ve ever met. He taught me that a sense of humor, and especially laughing at your self, can be one of life’s greatest blessings.

But my father was my hero. He taught me many things, but at the top of the list, he taught me to treat people with respect . . . to live the Golden Rule. I remember one particular instance of him teaching this “life lesson” as if it were yesterday.

Dad owned a furniture store, and I used to dust the furniture every Wednesday after school to earn my allowance. One afternoon I observed my Dad talking to all the customers as they came in - the hardware store owner, the banker, a farmer, a doctor. At the end of the day, just as Dad was closing, the garbage collector came in.

I was ready to go home, and I thought that surely Dad wouldn’t spend too much time with him. But I was wrong. Dad greeted him at the door with a big hug and talked with him about his wife and son who had been in a car accident the month before. He empathized, he asked questions, he listened, and he listened some more. I kept looking at the clock, and when the man finally left, I asked, “Dad, why did you spend so much time with him? He’s just the garbage collector.” Dad then looked at me, locked the front door to the store, and said, “Son, let’s talk.”

He said, “I’m your father and I tell you lots of stuff as all fathers should, but if you remember nothing else I ever tell you, remember this . . . treat every human being just the way that you would want to be treated.” He said, “I know this is not the first time you’ve heard it, but I want to make sure it’s the first time you truly understand it, because if you had understood, you would never have said what you said.”

We sat there and talked for another hour about the meaning and the power of the Golden Rule. Dad said, “If you live the Golden Rule, everything else in life will usually work itself out, but if you don’t, your life probably will be very unhappy and without meaning.”

I recently heard someone say, “If you teach your child the Golden Rule, you will have left them an estate of incalculable value.”

Truer words were never spoken.

I've Learned . . .

I've learned that, no matter what happens, how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles four things: a rainy day, the elderly, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.
I've learned that, regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.
I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life.."
I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.
I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.
I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.
I've learned that every day, you should reach out and touch someone.
People love that human touch -- holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
I've learned that I still have a lot to learn!

The Wooden Bowl

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in-law, and four-year old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered.

The family ate together at the table. But the elderly grandfather's shaky hands and failing sight made eating difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass, milk spilled on the tablecloth.

The son and daughter-in-law became irritated with the mess. "We must do something about father," said the son. "I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor."

So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, Grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner. Since Grandfather had broken a dish or two, his food was served in a wooden bowl!

When the family glanced in Grandfather's direction, sometime he had a tear in his eye as he sat alone. Still, the only words the couple had for him were sharp admonitions when he dropped a fork or spilled food.

The four-year-old watched it all in silence.

One evening before supper, the father noticed his son playing with wood scraps on the floor. He asked the child sweetly, "What are you making?"

Just as sweetly, the boy responded, "Oh, I am making a little bowl for you and Mama to eat your food in when I grow up." The four-year-old smiled and went back to work .

The words so struck the parents so that they were speechless. Then tears started to stream down their cheeks. Though no word was spoken, both knew what must be done.

That evening the husband took Grandfather's hand and gently led him back to the family table. For the remainder of his days he ate every meal with the family. And for some reason, neither husband nor wife seemed to care any longer when a fork was dropped, milk spilled, or the tablecloth soiled.

The Whale

If you read the front page story of the SF Chronicle, you would have read about a female humpback whale that had become entangled in a spider web of crab traps and lines.

She was weighted down by hundreds of pounds of traps that caused her to struggle to stay afloat. She also had hundreds of yards of line rope wrapped around her body, her tail, her torso, a line tugging in her mouth.

A fisherman spotted her just east of the Farralone Islands (outside the Golden Gate ) and radioed an environmental group for help.

Within a few hours, the rescue team arrived and determined that she was so bad off, the only way to save her was to dive in and untangle her .. a very dangerous proposition. One slap of the tail could kill a rescuer. They worked for hours with curved knives and eventually freed her.

When she was free, the divers say she swam in what seemed like joyous circles. She then came back to each and every diver, one at a time, and nudged them, pushed gently around --- she thanked them. Some said it was the most incredibly beautiful experience of their lives.

The guy who cut the rope out of her mouth says her eye was following him the whole time, and he will never be the same.

The Puzzle

A father wanted to read a magazine but was being bothered by his little girl, Shelby. She wanted to know what the United States looked like. Finally, he tore a sheet out of his new magazine on which was printed the map of the country. Tearing it into small pieces, he gave it to Shelby and said, "Go into the other room and see if you can put this together. This will show you our whole country today."

After a few minutes, Shelby returned and handed him the map, Correctly fitted and taped together. The father was surprised and asked how she had finished so quickly. "Oh," she said, "on the other side of the paper is a picture of Jesus. When I got all of Jesus back where He belonged, then our country just came together."


A Box of Gold With a secret inside that has never been told,
This box is priceless. But I see
The treasure inside is precious to me.
Today I share this treasure with thee
It’s the treasure of friendship you’ve given to me.






The Man, the Dog and the Road

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the walk, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stonewall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side

When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"

"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.

Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.

"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."

The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.

"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog. After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree, reading a book.

"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"

"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."

"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.

"There should be a bowl by the pump."

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.

"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.

"This is Heaven," he answered.

"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."

"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."

"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"

"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."