Tuesday, June 10, 2014


When you're old enough to retire,
                          Your thinking changes  . . . 

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked  himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about  four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore. In disbelief, he asks,  "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."

"Amazing," he notes.  "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island.

The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"

"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On  the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says. So, after a  short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.  Before him is a long stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck.

As they walk into the house, she says casually,"It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please."

"Would you like a drink?"

"No!  No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed.  "I can't take another drop of coconut  juice."

"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a  still.  How would you like a Pina Colada?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.  Would you like to take a shower and shave?   There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom.  There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone.  Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses.  "What's next?"  When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.

She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he  swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,  ...................

"You've built a Golf Course?"

Nymphomaniac* Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.  As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston "

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.

I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

uncontrollable or excessive sexual desire in a woman.

Findin’ Just The Right Job . . .

1. My first job was working in a frozen orange juice factory, but I got canned.  Couldn't concentrate.
2. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
3.  After that, I tried being a tailor, but wasn't suited for it - mainly because it was a sew-sew job.
4.  Next, I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was too exhausting.
5.  Then, tried being a chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

6.  Next, I attempted being a deli worker, but any way I sliced it - couldn't cut the mustard.

7.  My best job was a musician, but eventually found that I wasn't noteworthy.
8.  I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.
9.  Next, was a job in a shoe factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.
10. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

11.  Managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
13.  After many years of trying to find steady work, I got a job as a historian until I found out there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.
15. So, finally, I tried retirement and found I'm perfect for the job!

Chicken Cannon Or Catapoultry!!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.   The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and
embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo --
"Defrost the chicken."

Of course after this funny story it says “True Story”.  But it’s ever more funny when you read what snopes.com has to say about it!


Embarrassing Medical Exams!!

A man comes into the ER and yells . . .
'My wife's  going to have her baby in the cab.'

I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lfted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.    
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

At the beginning of my shift I placed a stetho-scope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. . .  I instructed.
'Yes, they used to be,'. . .replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

One day I had to be the bearer of bad
news when I told a wife that her husband had
died of a massive myocardial infarct.
Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
' Which one ?', I asked.  'The patch . . . The Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and dis-covered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?'
After a look of complete confusion she answered . . .
' Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson-Corvallis , OR
I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . .' So how's your breakfast this morning?'
“It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly.
I can't seem to get used to the taste,” Bob replied.
I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting  a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered.  It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.

When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo that read . . .' Keep off the grass.'
Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN no name,

   AND FINALLY!! ! . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . 

As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB,  I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.
To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.

The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me.
I looked up from my work and sheepishly said.  . .
' I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?'
She replied with tears running down
her cheeks from laughing so hard . . .

' No doctor but the song you were whistling was . . .  I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' Dr. wouldn't submit his name....


Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby,
checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed. 'Breast-fed,' she replied..

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'

I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma,
But I'm glad I came'.

This Is Just Too Cute –

Married Four Times

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

 (Oh, just hush-up and send this one on).

Especially for Women –


1.  Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is  suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You 're using your cell phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says: "How's my  driving".
6.  Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7.. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space."
9. You're sure  that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen  bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.


10.  Cats' facial expressions.

9.  The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.

7. Fat  clothes.

6.  Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.

5. The difference between beige, ecru,
cream, off-white, ivory & eggshell.

4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.

3. Eyelash curlers.

2.  The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:


Chocolate is a Vegetable

Chocolate is derived from cacao beans. 
Bean = vegetable. 
Sugar is derived from either sugar CANE or sugar BEETS. 
Both are plants, which places them in the vegetable category. 
Thus, chocolate is a vegetable.

To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy. So candy bars are a health food.

Chocolate-covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite, and you'll eat less.

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves. (We're testing this with other snack foods as well.)

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger. Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Now, isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated. You can't let that happen, can you? 

The Samurai Test

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai.  So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. 

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai.  

The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee.  Whoosh went his sword.  The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.  The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen.  The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly.  Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai.  The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat.  His flashing sword went Whoosh!  But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?  The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill." 


A former Sergeant, having served his time in the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher. However, just before the school year started, he injured his back.

He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.  Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.

 The smart Aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

 When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

silence....He had no trouble with discipline that year

The Great Albert Einstein Stories

1.   One day during a speaking tour, Albert Einstein’s driver, who often sat at the back  of the hall during his lectures, remarked that he could probably give the lecture himself, having heard it so many times. Sure enough, at the next stop on the tour, Einstein and the driver switched places, with Einstein sitting at the back in his driver’s uniform.                                                                      
Having delivered a flawless lecture, the driver was asked a difficult question by a member of the audience. “Well, the answer to that question is quite simple,” he casually replied. “I bet my driver, sitting up at the back there, could answer it!”                                                                                              
  ============ ========= ========= ========= =========                                    
2.   Albert Einstein’s wife often suggested that he dress more professionally when he headed off to work. “Why should I?” he would invariably argue. “Everyone knows me there.” When the time came for Einstein to attend his first major conference, she begged him to dress up a bit. “Why should I?” said Einstein. “No one knows me there!”                                                                                            
  ============ ========= ========= ========= =========                     
Albert Einstein was often asked to explain the general theory of relativity. “Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour,” he once declared.   “Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity!”                                                                                              
  ============ ========= ========= ========= =========                                    
4.    When Albert Einstein was working in Princeton university, one day he was going back home he forgot his home address. The driver of the cab did not recognize him. Einstein asked the driver if he knows Einstein’s home. The driver said “Who does not know  Einstein’s address? Everyone in Princeton knows.  Do you want to meet him?.  Einstein replied “I am Einstein. I forgot my home address, can you take me there? “The driver reached him to his home and did not even collect his fare from him.                                                                                              
  ============ ========= ========= ========= =========                                    
5.    Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn’t find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn’t there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn’t find it. Then he  looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn’t find it.         
The conductor said, ‘Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I’m  sure you bought a ticket. Don’t worry about it.’

Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great Einstein down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket.            
The conductor rushed back and said, ‘Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don’t worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don’t need a ticket. I’m sure you bought one.’     
Einstein looked at him and said, ‘Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don’t know is where I’m going.’

Holy Humor

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, 'I know what the Bible means!'

His father smiled and replied, 'What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?

The son replied, 'I do know!'

'Okay,' said his father. 'What does the Bible mean?'

'That's easy, Daddy...' the young boy replied excitedly,' It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'


There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

'Is there anything breakable in here?' asked the postal clerk.

'Only the Ten Commandments.' answered the lady.


'Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.

There are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good morning, Lord,' and there are those who wake up in the morning and say,'Good Lord, it's morning.'


A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: 'I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment.  Forgive us our trespasses.'

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note 'I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.'


There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and
announced to his congregation: 'I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.'


While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...

'Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.'


A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a
question, 'Boys and girls, what do we know about God?'
 A hand shot up in the air.
'He is an artist!' said the kindergarten boy.
'Really? How do you know?' the teacher asked..
'You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven.... '


A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.
The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
'Reverend,' said the young man, 'I'm so sorry about the delay...
It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.
' The minister chuckled, 'I know what you mean. It's the same in my business.'


People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.


Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, 'Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.'
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.
Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea
and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said 'Be not a afraid, thy comforter is coming.'


The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick
and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play 'Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently.
'But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.
'During the service, the minister paused and said, 'Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected
and we need $4,000 more.  Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up'.
At that moment, the substitute organist played 'The Star Spangled Banner.'
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!


Give me a sense of humor Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!