Good Old Irreverent Maxine

 

Maxine At It Again - Fun With Words!!

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If  4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...
does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

 Why do croutons come in airtight packages?  

Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?                        

If people from Poland are called Poles,

then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, 

but a person who drives a 

race car is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help others,

then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and 

clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow 

that electricians can be delighted,

musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, 
models deposed,tree surgeons debarked, 
and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

What hair color do they put on 

the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies

with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered 

what do Chinese mothers use, toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of 

criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? 

Why don't they just put their 

pictures on the postage stamps,

so the mailmen can look for them 

while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear 

until you learn to drive?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A  through G?

******

Why do we press harder on the remote control

when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient 

funds when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there 

are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, 

but if they tell you there is wet paint 

you have to touch it to check?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest,

but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put 

an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color 

bubble bath you use,

the bubbles are always clear?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator 

with hopes that something new to eat 

will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times 

with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, 

pick it up, examine it and then put it down 

to give the vacuum one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into 

the enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch 

something that's falling off the table, 

you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm 

as it was in summer when we 

complained about the heat?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your 

e-mail address in the first place?

And A FAVORITE:

The statistics on sanity say 

that one out of every four persons 

is suffering from some sort of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends.  

If they're OK . . . then it's you! 

~  

REMEMBER, A day without a smile 

is like a day without sunshine!

And a day without sunshine is, like...........night!!!!

It All Depends - Maxine Logic

I know you have been lying awake at night wondering why baby diapers have brand names such as "Luvs", "Huggies", and "Pampers', while undergarments for old people are called "Depends".

Well here is the low down on the whole thing.

When babies crap in their pants, people are still gonna Luv'em, Hug'em and Pamper' em. When old people crap in their pants, it "Depends" on who's in the will!

Glad I got that straightened out so you can rest your mind.

Maxine Calls It Like It Is

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

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Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said,
"Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

**************************

Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

****************************

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc ....

***************************

I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan.

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I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...... Folks, we're screwed.

MAXINE - YES, THIS IS US!!

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of the modern world, real or imaginary. We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.

HOWEVER, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was NOT the senior citizens who took

The melody out of music,

The pride out of appearance,

The courtesy out of driving,

The romance out of love,

The commitment out of marriage,

The responsibility out of parenthood,

The togetherness out of the family,

The learning out of education

The service out of patriotism,

The Golden Rule from rulers,

The nativity scene out of cities,

The civility out of behavior,

The refinement out of language,

The dedication out of employment,

The prudence out of spending,

The ambition out of achievement or
God out of government and school.

And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and tolerance from personal relationships (ahemm), and interactions with others!!

And, we do understand the meaning of patriotism, and remember those who have fought and died for our country.

Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!
 

 YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!

I'm the life of the party ..... Even if it lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps ..... With a hammer.

I'm awake many hours before my body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying. 

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm beginning to realize that aging is not for wimps.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and I think I am having the time of my life!

Spread the laughter

Share the cheer

Let's be happy

While we're here.

And, MAY GOD BLESS

AMERICA AND MAY AMERICA THANK GOD!!

Go Green - Recycle CONGRESS!! 

Where Did Maxine Come From?

After the Maxine jokes below there is a summary on how she was created and a photo of her creator.
More from the gal everyone loves and admires, and you finally get to meet her creator at the end.

John Wagner, Hallmark artist since 1970, says Maxine was inspired by his mother, his maiden aunts and his grandmother, the woman who bought him art lessons when 'fill in the pumpkins' was about the extent of his art classes at St. John's Catholic School in Leonia, NJ.

John remembers doodling as a preschooler and says both his grandmother and his mother encouraged his artistic interests. He eventually attended the Vesper George Schoolof Art in Boston and landed at Hallmark as part of a new artists group. But it was the birth of the humorous Shoebox Greetings (a tiny little division of Hallmark) in 1986 that added a new dimension to John's professional life. The Shoebox way of seeing the world unleashed his talents and he created Maxine.

Why the name 'Maxine'? 'People at Shoebox started referring to the character as 'John Wagner's old lady,' and I knew that would get me into trouble with my wife,' John says. The Shoebox team had a contest among themselves to name the character and three of the approximately 30 entries suggested 'Maxine'. John says the name is perfect.

John, who says he's humbled by such acceptance of Maxine, admits he's proud of her.

Now you know the story of how Maxine came to be. 

"If you ain't laughin'...........you ain't livin!"     

July 2012

Maxine's Got It Figured Out