Thursday, March 31, 2011

A Psychiatrist and a Proctologist* -

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to
"Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".

No go. Next, they tried
"Catatonics and High Colonics"
Thumbs down again.

Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"
Still no good.

"Minds and Behinds"?
Unacceptable again.
So they tried
"Lost Souls and Butt Holes"

No way.
"Nuts and Butts"?
Uh uh.
"Freaks and Cheeks"?
Still no go.
"Loons and Moons"?
Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:
"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones; Odds and Ends".

Everyone loved it.

*doctor of rectum and anus

My Favorite Things . . . Revised!

Julie Andrews turned 69 in 2004 -

To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, 2004 actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.

One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music".

Here are the lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in a string,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,
When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin', (slightly edited for content)
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short & shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,
When the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad.

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011


A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street,

going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar.

He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars

and slowed down when he thought he saw something.

As his car passed, no children appeared .

Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!

He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag

back to the spot where the brick had been thrown.

The angry driver then jumped out of the car,

grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting,

"What was that all about and who are you?

Just what the heck are you doing?

That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money.

Why did you do it?"

The young boy was apologetic.

"Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,"

He pleaded. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop...

" With tears dripping down his face and off his chin,

the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car.

"It's my brother," he said.

"He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."

Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive,

"Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair?

He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

Moved beyond words,

the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat.

He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair,

then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts.

A quick look told him everything was going to be okay.

"Thank you and may God bless you,"

the grateful child told the stranger.

Too shook up for words,

the man simply watched the boy push his

wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar.

The damage was very noticeable,

but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door.

He kept the dent there to remind him of this message:

"Don't go through life so fast

that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!"

God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts.

Sometimes when we don't have time to listen,

He has to throw a brick at us.

It's our choice to listen . . . or wait for the brick.

Thought for the Day:

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.

If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.

He sends you flowers every spring.

He sends you a sunrise every morning.

Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!

God didn't promise days without pain,

laughter without sorrow,

sun without rain,

but He did promise strength for the day,

comfort for the tears,

and light for the way.

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

You Might Be Having a Bad Day If . . .

You woke up in a strange place

Your new diet doesn't seem to be working

You pulled a muscle while trying to exercise

Your new hat looked better on you at the store

You keep losing things

You feel like you're in the wrong place at the wrong time

The boss chewed you out at work

You got caught in the rain at lunchtime

You feel trapped somehow...

Traffic on the way home was brutal

You think you might be coming down with the flu

You're home alone and you hear a noise in the basement

December 2008 

Mid-Life Perspective

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal. Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crises . . .

Italian Auction Commercial - Video

A Chinese Ming vase is up for auction.
The bidding opens at a half-million Euros.
Bidding is brisk and each bidder is clearly identified as each raises the bid by 100,000 Euros.

Within seconds, the bid stalls at one million Euros,
and the gasp from the crowd identifies the excitement that prevails in the room.

The auctioneer is exuberant.
The pace is fast.
The conclusion? Priceless...! 

January 2011

Quote By William Penn

"I expect to pass through this world but once.
Any good therefore that I can do,
or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature,
let me do it now.
Let me not defer or neglect it,
for I shall not pass this way again.'"

William Penn
Religious Leader and founder of Pennsylvania

Monday, March 21, 2011

A. A. A. D. D.

Recently, A women was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my flower tubs.
As I turn on the hose I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
I go to get the car keys from the porch and then notice mail on the porch table.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the bin under the table and notice that the bin is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think, I can run down to the post-box when I take out the rubbish I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in the computer desk, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of soda I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the soda aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The soda is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the soda, a vase of flowers on the window ledge catches my eye--they need water.

I put the soda on the window ledge and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my computer desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the window ledge, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but some spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:
- The tubs aren't watered;
- The car isn't washed;
- The bills aren't paid;
- There is a warm can of soda sitting on the window ledge;
- The flowers don't have enough water;
- There is still only 1 check in my check book;
- I can't find the remote;
- I can't find my glasses;
- I have absolutely NO idea what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to work out why nothing got done today. I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all the darn day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

Calendar Quotes

A Boy named Teddy

As she stood in front of her 5th grade class on the very first day of school, she told the children an untruth. Like most teachers, she looked at her students and said that she loved them all the same. However, that was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard.

Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he did not play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he constantly needed a bath. In addition, Teddy could be unpleasant. It got to the point where Mrs. Thompson would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X's and then putting a big "F" at the top of his papers.

At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each child's past records and she put Teddy's off until last. However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise.
Teddy's first grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners . . . he is a joy to be around."

His second grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is an excellent student, well liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle."
His third grade teacher wrote, "His mother's death has been hard on him. He tries to do his best, but his father doesn't show much interest, and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren't taken."

Teddy's fourth grade teacher wrote, "Teddy is withdrawn and doesn't show much interest in school. He doesn't have many friends and he sometimes sleeps in class."

By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy's. His present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper that he got from a grocery bag. Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one-quarter full of perfume. But she stifled the children's laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her wrist. Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, "Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mom used to."

After the children left, she cried for at least an hour. On that very day, she quit teaching reading, writing and arithmetic. Instead, she began to teach children. Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the children the same, Teddy became one of her "teacher's pets.."

A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her that she was the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.

Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had in life.

Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he'd stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would soon graduate from college with the highest of honors. He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was still the best and favorite teacher he had ever had in his whole life.

Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor's degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer. The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, MD.

The story does not end there. You see, there was yet another letter that spring. Teddy said he had met this girl and was going to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit at the wedding in the place that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom. Of course, Mrs. Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. Moreover, she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last Christmas together.

They hugged each other, and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs. Thompson's ear, "Thank you Mrs. Thompson for believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference".

Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back She said, "Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn't know how to teach until I met you".

Beautiful Fiction Story written by Elizabeth Silance Ballard in 1974 and printed in HomeLife magazine.

Monday, March 14, 2011

2011 Japan's Earthquake and Tsunami - Video coverage and Article

You watch it and wonder . . . how can this be?

Click Here to see NBC video coverage of the tsunami on their web site.

Click Here to see the original article.

Why is there no looting in Japan?

A lawless atmosphere often follows natural disasters. How has Japan managed to maintain order in the aftermath of last week's earthquake and tsunami?
POSTED ON MARCH 15, 2011, AT 10:08 AM

The chaos and theft that have followed many earthquakes, hurricanes and tsunamis have been noticeably absent in the wake of Japan's 8.9-magnitude quake. Instead, people have formed long, orderly lines outside grocery stores, where employees try to fairly distribute limited supplies of food and water. "Looting simply does not take place in Japan," says Gregory Pflugfelder, an expert in Japanese culture at Columbia University, as quoted by CNN.   "I'm not even sure if there's a word for it that is as clear in its implications as when we hear 'looting.'" How has Japan managed to avoid this common after-effect of disaster?

Discipline, discipline, discipline:

"The Japanese are now reaping the fruits of having been taught, and drilled in, discipline and resilience since childhood," says Federico D. Pasqual Jr. at The Philippine Star.  In grade school, lunch is free, but often "spartan," and kids learn to expect and deal with lean times. This unfathomable calamity is one of those times, and "the instilling of that value or attitude seems to be paying off."

"Japanese discipline rules despite disaster".

The Japanese are no strangers to hardship: The easy answer is that the "legendary politeness" of the Japanese people is simply shining through, says Thomas Lifson at The American Thinker, but that's only part of what's happening. Japanese society has been honed over generations into a system "capable of ensuring order and good behavior." The country's "vast reservoir of social strength" carried it out of "the devastation of World War II," and, compared to that, "even the massive problems currently afflicting it" are "relatively small."

Why the Japanese aren't looting?
Japan isn't superior, just different: Japanese people are "taught that conformity and consensus are virtues," says James Picht at The Washington Times. To Americans, who prize individualism, "those virtues sound almost offensive." In normal times, "concerns about appearance and obligation" may be stifling, but in adversity they may be what trumps "the urge to smash and grab." Japanese culture isn't "superior," it's just "well suited to maintaining public order immediately after a major disaster."

CLICK HERE  to see "thank you" video from Japan

Thursday, March 10, 2011

And they said "OOPS!"

If you are sqeamish, some of these pictures are very scary.

Granny Airbag - Priceless! - Video

Justice  (& grannies) prevail... 
A lady was video  taping her son riding a skateboard when her attention
switched to  an old woman trying to cross the street.  If you turn up the
volume, you can hear the photographer chuckling as she records the event.

Go granny  go!!!!....

April 2008

The Curtain Rods

She spent the first day packing her personal belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days. In the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked.

People stopped coming over to visit...

Repairmen refused to work in the house. ..

The maid quit . . .

Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house.

Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. She told him she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth . . . but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home . . . including the curtain rods.


Saturday, March 5, 2011

The Marine and The Professor

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan.

One of the courses he had a professor who was a vowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. 

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated,

"God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed,

"Here I am God. I'm still waiting." 

It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his Chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. 
 The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked,

"What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied,

"God was too busy today protecting America 's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like a donkey’s behind. So, He sent me."