Poking Fun At The Millennials

 

Picked Up A Hitchhiker . . .

I picked up a hitchhiker last night.

He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger and asked, 

"Thanks but why would you pick me up?

How do you know I'm not a serial killer"?

I told him the chances of two serial killers being in one car would be astronomical!

I Laughed, You Get It

Top Ten Indicators That your Employer Has Changed To The Obamacare Health Care Plan.


Top Ten Indicators That your Employer Has Changed To The Obamacare Health Care Plan.

(10)  Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

(9)  Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

(8)  The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

(7)  The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

(6)  The only item listed under Preventative Care Coverage is "an apple a day."

(5)  Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

(4)  "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not a typographical error.

(3)  The only expense covered 100% is..."Embalming."

(2)  Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

(1)  You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

"Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the government take care of him, better take a closer look at the American Indian." - Henry Ford

Too Darn Cold Out

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:

"Windows frozen, won't open."

Husband texts back:
"Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and gently tap edges with hammer."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:  

"Computer really messed up now.

I Make Bets!!

Getting Rich From A Series Of Bets

A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"

The receptionist objected, stating, "You can't just walk in here and expect to see the president of the Bank of America. He's a very busy man."

"But I am here to make a very large cash deposit," added the old woman.

The receptionist momentarily looked at the sack of money, then walked back to one of the rear offices. She came back and said, "You're in luck this morning, he will see you," and ushered her in to see the president of the Bank of America.

When she walked in to a large office with a nicely tailored man behind a great oaken desk. The bank president stood up and asked, "How can I help you?"

She replied, "I would like to open a savings account," and placed the bag of money on his desk.

"How much would you like to deposit?" he asked curiously.

"$180,000, if you please," and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.

The President was surprised to see all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around, especially a woman at your stage in life. Where did you come by this kind of money?"

The old lady coyly replied, "I make bets." Surprised, the president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?" The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square."

"What?!" cried the man, "you want to bet me $25,000 that my balls, my testicles, are square?" He could hardly hold back from laughing.

"Yes, you heard me. In fact, by ten o'clock tomorrow morning, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls will be square."

The man smiled broadly, thinking he had a live one. "You've got yourself a bet!" and shook her hand.

The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. As a witness?"

"Sure!" replied the confident president.

That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.

The next morning, at precisely 10:00 a.m., the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"

The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them.

"Well, Okay," said the president, obviously embarrassed. Thinking to himself, "$25,000 is a lot of money, I guess it's okay." He then said, "Yes, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."

As the old woman started to feel the banker's testicles, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall.

The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?" The old lady replied, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 a.m. Today, I'd have the balls of the president of the Bank of America in my hands."

You Should Go Fishing!

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.

"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?" The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters, "One". The boss says "Just one?!!? Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day.

That will have to change, and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore, son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"

The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".

The boss, astonished, says “$101,237.65?!? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing’.

Robin Williams as the American Flag

When A Woman Lies

When a woman lies.
One day, while a seamstress was sewing when sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river.  When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"  The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.  The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.  The seamstress replied, "No".
The Lord again dipped into the river.  He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.   

Again, the seamstress replied, "No".
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.  The seamstress replied, "Yes".
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the river bank and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.  When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?''

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney.  "Is this your husband? The Lord asked.

"Yes", cried the seamstress.  The Lord was furious.  "You lied!  That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.  It is a misunderstanding.  You see, if I had said no to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said no to him, you would have come up with my husband.  Had I then said yes, you would have given me all three.  Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said yes to George Clooney.  And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is:  Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason and in the best interest of others.  That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
All Us Women

Laughter is like jogging on the inside. Exercise your 'innards' every day.
"A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones."
Women are Angels.
And when someone breaks our wings,
We simply continue to fly....on a broomstick.
We are flexible like that.
  

WONDERFUL PLAY ON WORDS!!!

TEACHER ARRESTED

A Vacaville public school teacher was arrested today at the Vacaville International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-Gebra is a problem for us," the Attorney General said. "They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values. They use secret code names like "X" and "Y" and refer to themselves as "unknowns" but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country."  As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, "If Allah had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes." White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.

New Year's Resolutions . . . WORK WITH ME HERE!!

The Blond Joke To End All Blond Jokes

A blond woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blond.

The blond cop asked to see the blond's driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. ‘What does it look like?' she finally asked.

 The policewoman replied, ‘It's square and it has your picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blond officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,' Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.’

The Pilot And The Priest

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, 'Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?'

The guy replies, 'I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, 'Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, 'I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.'

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, 'Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.

'Just a minute,' says the good father. 
'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?

'Up here - we go by results,' says Saint Peter. 'When you preached - people slept.'

'When he flew, people prayed.'

Skinny Dipping

Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm for several years.  He had a large pond in the back.   It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.   He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.  As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.  He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Some old men can still think fast!!

Chicken Cannon Or Catapoultry!!

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.   The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two, and
embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo --
 
"Defrost the chicken."

Of course after this funny story it says “True Story”.  But it’s ever more funny when you read what snopes.com has to say about it!


Snopes

The Samurai Test

There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new chief samurai.  So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a chief. 

A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.

The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai.  

The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee.  Whoosh went his sword.  The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half.  The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen.  The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly.  Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed, "That is very impressive!"

Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai.  The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat.  His flashing sword went Whoosh!  But the gnat was still alive and flying around.

The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, "Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?  The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, "Circumcision is not meant to kill." 

Holy Humor

A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, 'I know what the Bible means!'

His father smiled and replied, 'What do you mean, you 'know' what the Bible means?

The son replied, 'I do know!'

'Okay,' said his father. 'What does the Bible mean?'

'That's easy, Daddy...' the young boy replied excitedly,' It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'

===

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

'Is there anything breakable in here?' asked the postal clerk.

'Only the Ten Commandments.' answered the lady.

===

'Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world.

There are those who wake up in the morning and say, 'Good morning, Lord,' and there are those who wake up in the morning and say,'Good Lord, it's morning.'

===

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: 'I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment.  Forgive us our trespasses.'

When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with this note 'I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation.'

===

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and
announced to his congregation: 'I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program.. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets.'

===

While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign...

'Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass.. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.'

===

A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a
question, 'Boys and girls, what do we know about God?'
 A hand shot up in the air.
'He is an artist!' said the kindergarten boy.
'Really? How do you know?' the teacher asked..
'You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven.... '

===

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend.
The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him.
Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
'Reverend,' said the young man, 'I'm so sorry about the delay...
It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.
' The minister chuckled, 'I know what you mean. It's the same in my business.'

===

People want the front of the bus, the back of the church, and the center of attention.

===

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, 'Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt.'
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed.
Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea
and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said 'Be not a afraid, thy comforter is coming.'

===

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.
Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick
and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play 'Here's a copy of the service,' he said impatiently.
'But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.
'During the service, the minister paused and said, 'Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected
and we need $4,000 more.  Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up'.
At that moment, the substitute organist played 'The Star Spangled Banner.'
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

===

Give me a sense of humor Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!

MEN'S Brains and WOMAN'S Brains Explained Perfectly!

Mark Gungor - Men's Brain Women's Brain

the hilarious standup about the differences between men's brain & women's brain

A Tale of Two Brains

How to Stop Church Gossip

Mildred, the church gossip, and self appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the towns only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away… He didn't explain, defend, or deny…
He said nothing….

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home .... and left it there all night !!!

(You gotta love Frank!)

Why Parents Pull Their Hair Out!!

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick.

So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

'Hello?'

'Is your daddy home?'

'Yes, he's out in the garden', whispered the small voice.

'May I talk with him’?

The child whispered, 'No'.

So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there’?

'Yes, she's out in the garden too’.

The boss asked; 'May I talk with her’?

Again the small voice whispered, 'No'.

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there’?

'Yes', whispered the child, 'a policeman.. '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman’?

'No, he's busy', whispered the child.

'Busy doing what’?

'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the police dog men'.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise’?

'It's a helicopter', answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there’?, demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

'The search team just landed a helicopter'.

'A search team’? said the boss.
'What are they searching for’?

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle....

'ME'!!

May 2013

Shampoo Health Warning

I saw this and had to share this warning….at last an answer...

Shampoo Health Warning
It's so good to finally get a health warning that is useful!!!

INVOLVES THE SHAMPOO WHEN IT RUNS DOWN YOUR BODY WHEN YOU SHOWER WITH IT!!!!

WARNING TO US ALL!!!
Shampoo Warning!
I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner!  I use shampoo in the shower!
When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and, printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning:

"FOR EXTRA BODY AND  VOLUME"

No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start showering with Dawn dish soap instead.
It's label reads,   "DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE."
Problem solved!
If I don't answer the phone I'll be in the shower!