Three Blondes

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Toronto Police Force.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,

"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said,"Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds,
pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but...."

He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.

" The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some
of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you
tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
"Well, Hellooooooooooooo!

With only one eye and one ear, ...he certainly can't wear glasses."

Maxine Calls It Like It Is

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land."

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Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said,
"Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land."

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Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

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I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc ....

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I called a Suicide Hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan.

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I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...... Folks, we're screwed.

The Blond Joke To End All Blond Jokes

A blond woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blond.

The blond cop asked to see the blond's driver's license.

She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. ‘What does it look like?' she finally asked.

 The policewoman replied, ‘It's square and it has your picture on it.’

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman. 'Here it is,' she said.

The blond officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,' Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.’

Three Blondes

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Toronto Police Force.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So you all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,

"To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.  You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did, he has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said,"Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It's a profile of his face!  You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds,
pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!
You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of time, but...."

He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
"All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses.

" The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some
of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
"You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you
tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
"Well, Hellooooooooooooo!

With only one eye and one ear, ...he certainly can't wear glasses."

May 2012

Blond on Football!!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"

Longest Password

You Laugh -- But Her I.D. Is Safe!

                                During a recent password audit by Google,

                                it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

                                When asked why she had such a long password, 
                                she rolled her eyes and said:

                                "Hullo!!!! It has to be at least 8 characters

                                long and include at least one capital."

October 2011

Blond Humor

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one  blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????" 

CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You  ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.  "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! 

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.   Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" 

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond.  

"They're watch dogs!"

This BLOND Joke Is On YOU!!

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. 
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. 


The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. 


The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. 


The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" 


The blond replies....."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

The Blond and the Puzzle

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says,

"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started." 



Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" 



The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster." 



Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. 

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over 
the table. 

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 



"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster." 



He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..."

he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .. . 
















"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Seven Degrees of BLOND

FIRST DEGREE:



A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. 



The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone,

listened a moment and said,

"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said,

"I don't know! It was some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear." 


`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:

SECOND DEGREE:

Two blondes were walking down the street. One noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She 
opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." 


 The second blonde said, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde handed her the compact. The second one looked in the mirror and said, "You dummy, it's me!" 


`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:- 


THIRD DEGREE:


A blonde suspected her boyfriend of cheating on her,

so she went out and bought a gun.

She went to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opened the door she found him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opened her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She took the gun and put it to her head. 




The boyfriend yelled, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"



The blonde replied, "Shut up ... you're next!" 




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FOURTH DEGREE:



A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.

She proudly said, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."



A friend said, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?"



The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy: W."



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FIFTH DEGREE:



What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? 



"Is it mine?"! 


`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:- ,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:- 


SIXTH 
DEGREE:



Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman,

sat in her US government class.

The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. 



Bambi pondered the question then finally said,

"That 
was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware"



`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*:-.,_,.-:*?`?*: -.,_,.-:*?`?*: 


SEVENTH DEGREE: 



Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

 

 The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, a

nd a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, 

the blonde ran out on the porch, 

shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, 

then sat down on the steps. 


Putting her face in her hands, she moaned,

"I come home to find 
all my possessions stolen.

I call the police for help, and what do they do? 


They send me a BLIND policeman."