Quotes By Famous People

Sometimes, when I look at my children, 

I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter 

(mother of Jimmy Carter)

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. 

But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: 

- 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.' 

- Eleanor Roosevelt 

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Last week, I stated this woman was 

the ugliest woman I had ever seen. 

I have since been visited by her sister, 

and now wish to withdraw that statement. 

- Mark Twain 

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The secret of a good sermon is to have a 

good beginning and a good ending; 

and to have the two as close together as possible 

- George Burns 

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Santa Claus has the right idea. 

Visit people only once a year. 

- Victor Borge 

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Be careful about reading health books. 

You may die of a misprint. 

- Mark Twain 

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By all means, marry. 

If you get a good wife, 

you'll become happy; 

if you get a bad one, 

you'll become a philosopher. 

- Socrates 

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I was married by a judge. 

I should have asked for a jury. 

- Groucho Marx 

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My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. 

Every now and then she stops to breathe. 

- Jimmy Durante 

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I have never hated a man enough 

to give his diamonds back. 

- Zsa Zsa Gabor 

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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass 

all four essential food groups: 

alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. 

- Alex Levine 

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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, 

people would stop dying. 

- Rodney Dangerfield 

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Money can't buy you happiness .... 

But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. 

- Spike Milligan 

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Until I was thirteen, 

I thought my name was SHUT UP . 

- Joe Namath 

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I don't feel old. 

I don't feel anything until noon. 

Then it's time for my nap. 

- Bob Hope 

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I never drink water because of the 

disgusting things that fish do in it. 

- W. C. Fields 

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We could certainly slow the aging process down 

if it had to work its way through Congress. 

- Will Rogers 

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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. 

As you grow older, it will avoid you. 

- Winston Churchill 

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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. 

But everything else starts to wear out, 

fall out, or spread out. 

- Phyllis Diller 

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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, 

he's too old to go anywhere. 

- Billy Crystal 

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And the cardiologist' s diet: 

If it tastes good spit it out. 

May your troubles be less, 

may your blessings be more, 

and may nothing but happiness 

come through your door.