Maxine At It Again - Fun With Words!!

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?

If  4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...
does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?

 Why do croutons come in airtight packages?  

Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?                        

If people from Poland are called Poles,

then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, 

but a person who drives a 

race car is not called a racist?

If it's true that we are here to help others,

then what exactly are the others here for?

If lawyers are disbarred and 

clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow 

that electricians can be delighted,

musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, 
models deposed,tree surgeons debarked, 
and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'

What hair color do they put on 

the driver's licenses of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies

with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered 

what do Chinese mothers use, toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of 

criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them? 

Why don't they just put their 

pictures on the postage stamps,

so the mailmen can look for them 

while they deliver the mail?

Is it true that you never really learn to swear 

until you learn to drive?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

Whatever happened to Preparations A  through G?

******

Why do we press harder on the remote control

when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient 

funds when they already know you're broke?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there 

are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, 

but if they tell you there is wet paint 

you have to touch it to check?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest,

but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose cruel idea was it to put 

an "s" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that, no matter what color 

bubble bath you use,

the bubbles are always clear?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator 

with hopes that something new to eat 

will have materialized?

Why do people run over a string a dozen times 

with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, 

pick it up, examine it and then put it down 

to give the vacuum one more chance?

How do those dead bugs get into 

the enclosed light fixtures?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch 

something that's falling off the table, 

you always manage to knock something else over?

Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm 

as it was in summer when we 

complained about the heat?

Do you ever wonder why you gave me your 

e-mail address in the first place?

And A FAVORITE:

The statistics on sanity say 

that one out of every four persons 

is suffering from some sort of mental illness.

Think of your three best friends.  

If they're OK . . . then it's you! 

~  

REMEMBER, A day without a smile 

is like a day without sunshine!

And a day without sunshine is, like...........night!!!!