Getting Old . . .

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" 

"98," she replied. 

"Two years older than me." 

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented. 

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?        

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. 

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

I've sure gotten old!  I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes;  I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.  Have bouts with dementia.  Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends but, thank goodness, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.  I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.  I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.  By the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll b e sure my daughters visit me twice a week "

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : 

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Angels - Explained by Children

I only know the names of two angels. Hark and Harold.

Gregory, 5

Everybody's got it all wrong. Angels don't wear halos anymore. I forget why, but scientists are working on it.

Olive, 9

It's not easy to become an angel! First, you die. Then you go to heaven, then there's still the flight training to go through. And then you got to agree to wear those angel clothes.

Matthew, 9

Angels work for God and watch over kids when God has to go do something else.

Mitchell, 7

My guardian angel helps me with math, but he's not much good for science.

Henry, 8

Angels don't eat, but they drink milk from Holy Cows!!.

Jack, 6

Angels talk all the way while they're flying you up to heaven. The main subject is where you went wrong before you got dead.

Daniel, 9

When an angel gets mad, he takes a deep breath and counts to ten. And when he lets out his breath, somewhere there's a tornado.

Reagan, 10

Angels have a lot to do and they keep very busy. If you lose a tooth, an angel comes in through your window and leaves money under your pillow.  Then when it gets cold, angels go north for the winter.

Sara, 6

Angels live in cloud houses made by God and his son, who's a very good carpenter.

Jared , 8

All angels are girls because they gotta wear dresses and boys didn't go for it.

Antonio, 9

My angel is my grandma who died last year. She got a big head start on helping me while she was still down here on earth.

Katelynn, 9

Some of the angels are in charge of helping heal sick animals and pets.  And if they don't make the animals get better, they help the child get over it.

Vicki, 8

What I don't get about angels is why, when someone is in love, they shoot arrows at them.

Sarah, 7

Classifieds

These classifieds actually ran in newspapers - a smile for your day...

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!

FREE PUPPIES:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES..
Mother, AKC  German Shepherd.
Father, Super Dog...able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG.
Looks like a rat. Been out a while.
Better be a big reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK
$300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES
California grown - 89 cents/lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR  SALE .
Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.

And the best one?:

FOR  SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. 
Excellent condition.
$1,000 or best offer. No longer needed,
Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Sharing Peanuts

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, 'Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?

We can't chew them because we've no teeth,' she replied. The puzzled driver asks, 'Why do you buy them, then?' The old lady replied, 'We just love the chocolate around them.'

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1.  She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2.  Mostly to clean the house.
3.  To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers? 
1.  He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2.  Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3.  God made my mom just the same like he made me.  He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1.  God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2.  They had to get their start from men's bones.  Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1.  We're related.
2.  God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?
1.  My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2.  I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3.  They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1.  His last name.
2.  She had to know his background.  Like is he a crook?  Does he get drunk on beer?
3.  Does he make at least $800 a year?  Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1.  My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world.  And my mom eats a lot.
2.  She got too old to do anything else with him.
3.  My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1.  Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2.  Mom.  You can tell by room inspection.  She sees the stuff under the bed.
3.  I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1.  Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2.  Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3.  Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4.  Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1.  Mothers don't do spare time.
2.  To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1.  On the inside she's already perfect.  Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2.  Diet.  You know, her hair.  I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, 
what would it be?
1.  She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.  I'd get rid of that.
2.  I'd make my mom smarter.  Then she would know it was my sister who did it not me.
3.  I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Bathroom Stalls

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, "Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says: "So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question. "Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them "No.......I'm a little busy right now!!!"

Then I hear the person say nervously... "Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions

Origins of the Internet...

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was named Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?" And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and the goods can be delivered by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were a wondrous happening. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. He was called a Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominant Siderite, or NERD for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO," said Abraham.

And that is how it all began.

"Political Correctness"

The following is the 2007 winning entry in an annual contest at Texas A&M University calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term:

This year's term was "Political Correctness."

The winner wrote:

 "Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end."

Lemonade Prank . . . Too Funny!! - Video

A Letter to God - Take Care of My Dog

Our 14 year old dog, Abbey, died last month. The day after she died, my 4 year old daughter Meredith was crying and talking about how much she missed Abbey. She asked if we could write a letter to God so that when Abbey got to heaven, God would recognize her. She dictated and I wrote:

Dear God,

Will you please take special care of our dog, Abbey? She died yesterday and is in heaven. We miss her very much. We are happy that you let us have her as our dog even though she got sick. I hope that you will play with her.

She liked to play with balls and swim before she got sick.

I am sending some pictures of her so that when you see her in heaven you will know she is our special dog. But I really do miss her.

Love, Meredith Claire

P.S. Mommy wrote the words after I told them to her.

We put that in an envelope with two pictures of Abbey, and addressed it to God in Heaven. We put our return address on it. Then Meredith stuck some stamps on the front (because, as she said, it may take lots of stamps to get a letter all the way to heaven) and that afternoon I let her drop it into the letter box at the post office.

For a few days, she would ask if God had gotten the letter yet. I told her that I thought He had.

---------------

A Few days later there was a package wrapped in gold paper on our front porch. Curious, I went to look at it. It had a gold star card on the front and said  "To Meredith" in an unfamiliar hand. Meredith took it in and opened it.

Inside was a book by Mr. Rogers, "When a Pet Dies". Taped to the inside front cover was the letter we had written to God, in its opened envelope (which was marked Return to Sender:  Insufficient address). On the opposite page, one of the pictures of Abbey was taped under the words "For Meredith".  We turned to the back cover, and there was the other picture of Abbey, and this handwritten note on pink paper:

Dear Meredith,

I know that you will be happy to know that Abbey arrived safely and soundly in Heaven! Having the pictures you sent to me was such a big help. I recognized Abbey right away. You know, Meredith, she isn't sick anymore. Her spirit is here with me--just like she stays in your heart--young and running and playing. Abbey loved being your dog, you know.

Since we don't need our bodies in heaven, I don't have any pockets!-- so I can't keep your beautiful letter. I am sending it to you with the pictures so that you will have this book to keep and remember Abbey.

One of my angels is taking care of this for me. I hope the little book helps. Thank you for the beautiful letter. Thank your mother for sending it.  What a wonderful mother you have! I picked her especially for you.

I send my blessings every day and remember that I love you very much.

By the way, I am in heaven but wherever there is love, I am there also.

Love, God and the special angel who wrote this after God told her the words.

AIN'T

He was just a little boy, on a week's first day. 

Wandering home from Sunday School, and dawdling on the way.

He scuffed his shoes into the grass; he even found a caterpillar. 

He found a fluffy milkweed pod, and blew out all the "filler."

A bird's nest in a tree overhead, so wisely placed up so high. 

Was just another wonder that caught his eager eye.

A neighbor watched his zig-zag course, and hailed him from the lawn; 

Asked him where he'd been that day and what was going on.

"I've been to Bible School," he said and turned a piece of sod. 

He picked up a wiggly worm replying, "I've learned a lot about God."

"Mm very fine way," the neighbor said, "for a boy to spend his time." 

"If you'll tell me where God is, I'll give you a brand new dime."

Quick as a flash the answer came! Nor were his accents faint. 

"I'll give you a dollar, Mister, if you can tell me where God ain't."

Author Unknown-

Why Women Live Longer . . .

Men don't think things out first . . . check out these incredibly dangerous and life threatening photos:

Ever wonder what happens . . .

When Hallmark writers are having a bad day . . . . .

My tire was thumping. 
I thought it was flat.


When I looked at the tire. 
I noticed your cat. 
Sorry!



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 





Heard your wife left you, 
How upset you must be. 


But don't fret about it.. 
She moved in with me.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 



Looking back over the years that we've been together, 

I can't help but wonder . . . 


"What the heck was I thinking?"



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 



Congratulations on your wedding day! 


Too bad no one likes your husband.





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



How could two people as beautiful as you 


Have such an ugly baby?

 


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


I 've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. 


After having met you . . . I've changed my mind.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 


I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.


I never believed in Hell until I met you.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 




As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am... 


That you're not here to ruin it for me.




~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 



Congratulations on your promotion. 


Before you go . . .


Would you like to take this knife out of my back? 


You'll probably need it again.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 



Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!


(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia )

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



Happy birthday!

You look great for your age. 


Almost Lifelike! 



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 





When we were together, 
you always said you'd die for me. 


Now that we've broken up, 
I think it's time you kept your promise.







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 





We have been friends for a very long time.

Let's say we stop? 





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 



I 'm so miserable without you 
it's almost like you're here.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 





Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. 


Did you ever find out who the father was? 



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 





Your friends and I wanted to do 
something special for your birthday. 


So we're having you put to sleep.

Kids In Church - Too Funny!

3-year-old Reese: 

"Our Father, Who does art in heaven, 

Harold is His name. 

Amen." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A little boy was overheard praying: 

"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it. 

I'm having a real good time like I am." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

After the christening of his baby brother in church, 

Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. 

His father asked him three times what was wrong. 

Finally, the boy replied, 

"That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, 

and I wanted to stay with you guys." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

One particular four-year-old prayed, 

"And forgive us our trash baskets 

as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they 

were on the way to church service, 

"And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" 

One bright little girl replied, 

"Because people are sleeping." 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. 

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. 

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. 

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.' 

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, 

"Ryan, you be Jesus!" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A father was at the beach with his children 

when the four-year-old son ran up to him, 

grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore 

where a seagull lay dead in the sand. 

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked. 

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied. 

The boy thought a moment and then said, 

"Did God throw him back down?" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 

A wife invited some people to dinner. 

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, 

"Would you like to say the blessing?" 

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied. 

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. 

The daughter bowed her head and said, 

"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

COMPUTER TALK BY ABBOTT & COSTELLO

This may not translate as well as if you were actually listening to Abbott and Costello do this bit . . . but it is funny!!

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this for computers:

COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

ABBOTT: Your computer?

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

ABBOTT: Mac?

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

ABBOTT: I just did.

COSTELLO: You just did what?

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: For my office?

ABBOTT: Yes.

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

ABBOTT: Office.

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

ABBOTT: Word.

COSTELLO: What word?

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

ABBOTT: Money.

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

ABBOTT: One copy.

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?

ABBOTT: Click on "START