Wednesday, April 25, 2012


(taken from  papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people's.

A grandfather is a man &a grandmother  is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything  except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't  play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us  money.

When they take us for walks, they slow  down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the  color of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on  "cracks."

They don't say, "Hurry up."

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too  fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny  underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums  out.

Grandparents don't have to be  smart.

They have to answer questions like "why  isn't God married?" and "How come dogs chase cats?".

When they read to us, they don't skip.  They don't mind if we a s k for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a  grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are  the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before  bedtime and they say prayers with us every time and kiss us even when  we've acted bad.




Be nice to your kids. 
They will choose your  
nursing home one day!  

If you have a lot of tension
and you get a headache,
Do what it says 
on the aspirin bottle:


DEAR IRS . . .

One brave soul actually sent this letter to the IRS, and after some research . . . I believe it to to be true.

Dear IRS,

I am sorry to inform you that I will  not be able to pay taxes owed April 15, but all is not lost.

I have paid these taxes: accounts receivable tax, building permit tax, CDL tax,  cigarette tax, corporate income tax, dog licence tax, federal income tax, unemployment tax,  gasoline tax, hunting licence tax, fishing licence tax, waterfowl stamp tax, inheritance tax,  inventory tax, liquor tax, luxury tax, medicare  tax, city, school and county property tax (up 33 percent last 4 years), real estate tax, social  security tax, road usage tax, toll road tax, state  and city sales tax, recreational vehicle tax,  state franchise tax, state unemployment tax,  telephone federal excise tax, telephone federal  state and local surcharge tax, telephone minimum  usage surcharge tax, telephone state and local  tax, utility tax, vehicle licence registration tax, capitol gains tax, lease severance tax, oil  and gas assessment tax, property tax, Texas, Colorado, Wyoming, Oklahoma and New Mexico sales  tax, and many more that I can't recall but I have  run out of space and money.

When you do not receive my check April 15, just know that it is an honest mistake. Please  treat me the same way you treated Congressmen Charles Rangle, Chris Dodd, Barney Frank and  ex-Congressman Tom Dashelle and, of course, your boss Timothy Geithner. No penalties and no interest.

P.S.  I will make at least a partial payment as soon as I get my stimulus check.

Ed Barnett, Wichita Falls

Unfortunately, I did not put dates when I saved these email forwards on my word files . . . and often they had already been circulating around awhile anyway.  But the best date I can find for this email forward is in March of 2009.


As seen in a dog’s diary:
  8am – Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!
  9am – Oh boy! A car ride!  My favorite!
10am – Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!
11am – Oh boy! A car  ride! My favorite!
Noon – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
 1pm – Oh boy!  The yard! My favorite!
 2pm – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
 3pm – Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!
 4pm – Oh boy!  Dog food! My favorite!
 5pm – Oh boy! Mom! My favorite!
 7pm – Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!
9pm  – Oh boy! Sleeping in Master's bed! My favorite!

As Seen In A Cat's Diary:
Day 198 of my captivity . . . . My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture.  Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded  – must try this at the TOP of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse  these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair – must try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a "good little cat" I was. Hmmm, not working according to plan.

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices; I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could  hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly.  I am certain he reports my  every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is  assured. However, I can wait; it is only a matter of time . . . .

They're back! Church Bulletin Bloopers:

Thank goodness for church ladies with typewriters. 

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins 
or were announced in church services:

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action against Christ the King Baptist this Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many that are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let just worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October
24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the   B. S.  is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday..

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.



THE 1930's, 40's, 50's, 60's and 70's!! 

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright colored lead-base paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.

As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes

Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon.. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And, we weren't overweight. WHY?

Because we were always outside playing...that's why!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And, we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD's, no surround-sound or CD's, no cell phones, no person al computers, no Internet and no chat rooms
WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and, although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment.

Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever.

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS!

You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good

While you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.

Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?

Relationship Humor

Wife:   'What are you doing?'
Husband :   Nothing.
Wife :   'Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband :   'I was looking for the expiration date.' 


Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes or no.' 


Wife:     'You always carry my photo in your wallet.  Why?'
Hubby:   'When there is a problem, no matter how great, 
              I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife:     'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby:   'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself 
               what other problem can there be greater than this one?'

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, 
        troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.' 


Son: ' Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, 
          he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son:   'But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

A newly married man asked his wife, 
'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'  

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 
'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!' 


Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the warning.' 


A wife asked her husband: 
'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor'.

New Mexico Chili Cook-off

For those of you who have lived in New Mexico , you know how true this is.  They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.  It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Santa Fe Plaza.  Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chile taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL .

Frank:  “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.  The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in.  I was assured by the other two judges (Native New Mexicans
) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge #3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

Judge # 1
-- A little too heavy on the tomato.  Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the heck is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway.  Took me two beers to put the flames out.  I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.

Judge # 1
-- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Judge # 1
-- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA.  I've located a uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.  Get me more beer before I ignite.  Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.  I'm getting red-faced from all of the beer.

Judge # 1
-- Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.  Is it possible to burn out taste buds?  Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb.  Woman is starting to look HOT ...  Just like this nuclear waste I'm eating!  Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Judge # 1
-- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick.  Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.  Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics.  The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.  I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.  It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. 

Judge # 1
-- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic.  Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames.  I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally.  Can't feel my lips anymore.  I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Judge # 1
-- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. 

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment  **I should take note that I am worried about Judge #3.  He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing.  I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth.  My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.  At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.  I've decided to stop breathing.  It's too painful.  I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Judge # 1
-- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.  Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence. 

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili.  Neither mild nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.  Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 -- No report.  

A Day In The Life Of A Mom . . . Priceless!

A man came home from work and found his 3 children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn around the garden. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and no sign of the dog.

Walking in the door, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, the throw rug was against one wall. In the front room the TV was on loudly with the cartoon channel on. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked,
"What happened here today"?

She again smiled and answered, 
"You know every day when you come home from work 
and you ask me what in the world do I do all day. . ."?

''Yes," was his incredulous reply. 

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Thursday, April 19, 2012

College Prank - Brilliant!!

A female college student stole an air freshner 
from another -male - college student's truck . . .
It's payback time!  You won't believe this . . . the time, money and energy it took to do this . . . INCREDIBLE!!

From the orginal article:

Think of the best prank you have ever pulled or have had pulled on you. Now get ready to be second place.
I don't mean to "top" you, but a group of BYU students pulled off one of the greatest, most creative pranks (that didn't involve bodily injury or explosions) that I have ever seen.
The group of boys targeted a trio of girls after they "stole" an air freshener out of the truck of one of the guys.

But these dudes didn't take anything in retaliation, they simply added to the decor of the girls' apartment.
After the trio left, the guys snuck in, removed some furniture and brought in some very Easter-themed additions. Namely some sod, a couple of trees, chicks and bunnies.
Can't get much more Easter than that.
When the girls come home you can imagine their surprise and their reactions are simply priceless.
Speechless at first, followed by some disjointed rambling. Then some screams of terror turn into laughter of bewilderment.
Creepy also seemed to be a favorite word, especially when an opened curtain revealed a life-size Easter Bunny.
Agreed, that is creepy.

Best part is, these guys placed cameras everywhere to capture the action.  Brilliant!
Well played boys. Well played.
But you know what they say about payback.
Oh, and I've been told no animals were harmed during the making of this video. Thank goodness those little critters are so dang cute.

And trust me, you don't want to be on the Easter Bunny's naughty list.

Click Here to see orginal article

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Life's A Gift . . . Unwrap It

After the tornado (Greensburg, Kansas) 
At 9:45 p.m. CDT on May 4, 2007, Greensburg was hit by an EF5 tornado. The tornado was estimated to be 1.7 miles (2.7 km) in width — wider than the city itself — and traveled for nearly 22 miles (35 km).
The story begins with the rescuers finding this poor little guy they named Ralphie. Someone had already taken him under their wing, but weren't equipped to adopt;

Ralphie, scared and starved, joined his rescuers...

I wouldn't think anything could live thru this ... but we were wrong.

This little lady also survived that wreckage.

Here she is just placed in the car - scared, but safe.

And then ... they are no longer alone!

Instant friends, they comforted each other while in the car.

Add two more beagles found after that . . . . the more, the merrier!

Oh boy, a new traveler to add to the mix...
(Note: the cat coming over the seat needing shelter.)
Now, just how is this going to work? 
(and remember they are all strange to one another)

It's going to work just fine, thank you very much!

Wow! The things we learn from our animal friends ... If only all of mankind could learn such valuable lessons as this.

Lessons of instant friendship. Of peace and harmony by way of respect for one another -- no matter one's color or creed.

These animals tell you ... 
'It's just good to be alive and with others.'

Yes, it surely is. So . . . Live, Love, Laugh.

'Life's a Gift ... Unwrap It!'

November 2008

Words . . . Very Interesting


is the longest word typed with only the left hand 

And 'lollipop'

is the longest word typed with your right hand. 
(Bet you tried this out mentally, didn't you?

No word in the English language rhymes with 
month, orange, silver, or purple. 


'Dreamt' is the only English word 
that ends in the letters 'mt'. 
(Are you doubting this?) 

Our eyes  are always 
the same size from birth
but our nose 
and ears 
 never stop growing. 

The sentence: 
'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog' 
uses every letter of the alphabet. 
(Now, you KNOW you're going to try this out for accuracy, right? 

The words 'racecar,' 
and 'level' 
are the same whether they are read 
left to right or right to left (palindromes). 
(Yep, I knew you were going to 'do' this one.) 

There are only four words in the English language which end in 'dous': 
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous. 
(You're not doubting this, are you?)     
 There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: 
'abstemious' and 'facetious.' 
(Yes, admit it, you are going to say, a e i o u) 

TYPEWRITER  is the longest word 
that can be made using 
the letters only on one row of the keyboard. 
(All you typists are going to test this out) 

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. 

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. 
(Some days that's about what my memory span is.) 

A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time 
for 1/100th of a second. 

A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. 

A snail  can sleep for three years. 
(I know some people that could do this too.!) 

Almonds are a member of the peach

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. 
         (I know some people like that also) 

Babies  are born without kneecaps. 
They don't appear until the child 
reaches 2 to 6 years of age. 

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history 
not to have a full moon.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated. 

If the population of China walked past you,  
8 abreast, the line would never end 
because of the rate of reproduction.   

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors   

Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!      

Rubber bands last longer when                       refrigerated. 

 The average person's left hand does 56% of the 

The cruise liner, QE 2
moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.   

The microwave   was invented  after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. 
(Good thing he did that.)   

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls 
froze completely solid. 


There are more chickens   
than people in the world.   

Winston Churchill 
was born in a ladies' room during a dance.   
Women blink  nearly twice as much as men. 

Now you know more than you did before!!   

The Rain - Thomas Kinkade 

This is a Thomas Kinkade painting.

Thomas Kinkade 
January 19, 1958 - April 6, 2012
54 years old

October 2008