Snapdragons . . .

Butt Dust

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After
a while he asked: 'Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold
milk?'

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so
old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, 'If you don't remember you
must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.'

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. 'I love you so much
that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window.'

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain
to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it
was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with
wonder, the little girl asked: 'How does it know it's me?'

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. 'Please don't
give me this juice again,' she said, 'It makes my teeth cough.'

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: 'How much do I cost?'

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing
in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: 'Why is
he whispering in her mouth?'

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what
was troubling him, he replied, 'I don't know what'll happen with this bed
when I get married. How will my wife fit in?'

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: 'The man named
Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked
back and was turned to salt.' Concerned, James asked: 'What happened to the
flea?'

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled
woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, 'Why
doesn't your skin fit your face?'

The Sermon, I think, this Mom will never forget this particular Sunday

Sermon . . . 'Dear Lord,' the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face.
'Without you, we are but dust . . . '
He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, 'Mom, what is butt dust?'

Years Ago in California

Do  you know what happened back in 1850, 158* years ago? 

                                                          (*from 2008)
                      
1.  California became a  state.
2. The state had no electricity.
3. The state had no money.
4. Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
5. There were  gunfights in the streets.

So basically, it was just like California is today,

Perks of the Senior Set!

Don't  Laugh - It Is All True . . .  
Perks  of reaching 50 or being over 60 and heading towards 70!
                  
01   Kidnappers are not very interested in you.  

02.  In a hostage situation you are likely to be released  first.
03.  No one expects you to run--anywhere..
04.  People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?
05.  People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
06.  There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
07.  Things you buy now won't wear out.
08.  You can eat supper at 4 pm.
09.  You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10.  You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11.  You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12.  You quit trying to hold your stomach 

         in no matter who walks into the  room.
13.  You sing along with elevator music.
14.  Your eyes won't get much worse.
15.  Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16.  Your joints are more accurate meteorologists 

           than the national weather  service.
17.  Your secrets are safe with your friends 

             because they can't remember them either.
18.  Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable  size.
19.  You can't remember who sent you this list.
20.  And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.  

Out of the Mouth of Babes -

                            and Comedians, too!

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 

'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.' The child thought about this for a moment then said, 'So why is the groom wearing black?'

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could,
trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord,
please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell,
getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself
off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began to pray,
'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!'

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper,
he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words
on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect
all the money!'

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you
had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them
to Jerusalem. A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?' Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when
they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though
he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'
Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife '

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.   One said to the other, 'What do you think about all this Satan stuff?'

The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just
your Dad.'

Blond Humor

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one  blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?" The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????" 

CAR TROUBLE A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?" He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor" She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

SPEEDING TICKET A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

RIVER WALK There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, "You  ARE on the other side."

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me." The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you? "Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde." "I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

KNITTING A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULL OVER!" "NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

BLONDE ON THE SUN A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.  "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

IN A VACUUM A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES! 

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.   Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?" 

"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond.  

"They're watch dogs!"

Senior Moment in a Teen!!

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to pass gas. 

The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better.
I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.   
     

A Good Story about My Dad and His Mouth!

A Good Story about My Dad and His Mouth!

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes.
We decided to grab a bite at  the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: 

green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.

When the teenager had enough, he  sarcastically asked,
'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my  Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response;
knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response -

"Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock.  I was just wondering if you were my son!"

PARENT - Job Description

PARENT - Job Description                          

This is hysterical. If it had been presented this way, 

I don't believe any of us would have done it!!!! 

POSITION : 

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma 

Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop 

JOB DESCRIPTION : 

Long term, team players needed, for challenging 

permanent work in an, 

often chaotic environment. 

Candidates must possess excellent communication 

and organizational skills and be willing to work 

variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends 

and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. 

Some overnight travel required, including trips to 

primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments 

in far away cities! 

Travel expenses not reimbursed. 

Extensive courier duties also required. 

RESPONSIBILITIES : 

The rest of your life. 

Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, 

until someone needs $5. 

Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. 

Also, must possess the physical stamina of a 

pack mule 

and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat 

in case, this time, the screams from 

the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. 

Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, 

such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets 

and stuck zippers. 

Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and 

coordinate production of multiple homework projects. 

Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings 

for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. 

Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, 

an totally embarrassed the next. 

Must handle assembly and product safety testing of 

half - a - million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. 

Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. 

Must assume final, complete accountability for 

the quality of the end product. 

Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and 

janitorial work throughout the facility. 

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: 

None. 

Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, 

constantly retraining and updating your skills, 

so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you 

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE : 

None required unfortunately. 

On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis. 

WAGES AND COMPENSATION : 

Get this! You pay them! 

Offering frequent raises and bonuses. 

A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that 

college will help them 

become financially independent. 

When you die, you give them whatever is left. 

The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that 

you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more. 

BENEFITS : 

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, 

no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and 

no stock options are offered; 

this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, 

unconditional love, 

and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right. 

Forward this on to all the PARENTS you know, (who are still of sound mind, 

or close to) in appreciation for everything they do on a daily basis, 

letting them know they are appreciated for the fabulous job they do... 

or forward with love to anyone thinking of applying for the job. 

** AND A FOOTNOTE - 'THERE IS NO RETIREMENT -- 

EVER!!! and just when the previous plan of financial independence is about 

to step in for the aforesaid children, the provide you with grand-children 

to take their places as they head off for places afar that you have only 

ever heard of, like Walmart, or New York, etc.

Tsunami - Real People & Stories-Caught on Camera

The most powerful earthquake in 40 years erupted 
under the Indian Ocean near Sumatra on Dec. 26, 2004

Across the Indian Ocean, tourist were filming their Christmas in the sun . . . these are their stories . . .

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

Part 6

Part 7