GOD:
Frank,
you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down
there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle
and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden
plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and
multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts
butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast
garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
St.
FRANCIS:
It's the
tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started
calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them
and replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass?
But, it's so boring. It's not colourful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to
temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing
there?
ST.
FRANCIS:
Apparently
so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.
They
begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops
up in the lawn.
GOD:
The
spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast.
That must
make the Suburbanites happy.
ST.
FRANCIS:
Apparently
not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it - sometimes twice a
week.
GOD:
They cut
it? Do they then bale it like hay?
ST.
FRANCIS:
Not
exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:
They bag
it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST.
FRANCIS:
No, Sir,
just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD:
Now, let
me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow.
And when
it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST.
FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These
Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and
turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of
work.
ST.
FRANCIS:
You
aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast,
they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow
it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD:
What
nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer
stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the
spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they
fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and
protect the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.
ST.
FRANCIS:
You
better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon
as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled
away.
GOD:
No.
What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the
soil moist and loose?
ST.
FRANCIS:
After
throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call
mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD:
And where
do they get this mulch?
ST.
FRANCIS:
They cut
down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough!
I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in
charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST.
CATHERINE:
"Dumb
and Dumber", Lord. It's a story about....
GOD:
Never
mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
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