Incredible Magician - Video

Here's another email forward I just received (January 2012)
with the French version of this same concept and
it's just fun listening to the French language!



A Psychiatrist and a Proctologist* -

Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to

"Hysterias and Posteriors."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids".

No go. Next, they tried

"Catatonics and High Colonics"

Thumbs down again.

Then came "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives"

Still no good.

"Minds and Behinds"?

Unacceptable again.

So they tried

"Lost Souls and Butt Holes"

No way.

"Nuts and Butts"?

Uh uh.

"Freaks and Cheeks"?

Still no go.

"Loons and Moons"?

Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with:

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones; Odds and Ends".

Everyone loved it.

*doctor of rectum and anus

My Favorite Things . . . Revised!

Julie Andrews turned 69 in 2004 -

To commemorate her 69th birthday on October 1, 2004 actress/vocalist, Julie Andrews made a special appearance at Manhattan's Radio City Music Hall for the benefit of the AARP.

One of the musical numbers she performed was "My Favorite Things" from the legendary movie "Sound Of Music".

Here are the lyrics she used:

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,

Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,

Bundles of magazines tied up in a string,

These are a few of my favorite things.

Cadillacs and cataracts ,and hearing aids and glasses,

Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,

Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,

These are a few of my favorite things.

When the pipes leak,

When the bones creak,

When the knees go bad,

I simply remember my favorite things,

And then I don't feel so bad.

Hot tea and crumpets and corn pads for bunions,

No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,

Bathrobes and heating pads and hot meals they bring,

These are a few of my favorite things.

Back pains, confused brains, and no need for sinnin', (slightly edited for content)

Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',

And we won't mention our short & shrunken frames,

When we remember our favorite things.

When the joints ache,

When the hips break,

When the eyes grow dim,

Then I remember the great life I've had,

And then I don't feel so bad.

Ms. Andrews received a standing ovation from the crowd that lasted over four minutes and repeated encores.

THE BRICK

A young and successful executive was traveling down a neighborhood street,

going a bit too fast in his new Jaguar.

He was watching for kids darting out from between parked cars

and slowed down when he thought he saw something.

As his car passed, no children appeared .

Instead, a brick smashed into the Jag's side door!

He slammed on the brakes and backed the Jag

back to the spot where the brick had been thrown.

The angry driver then jumped out of the car,

grabbed the nearest kid and pushed him up against a parked car shouting,

"What was that all about and who are you?

Just what the heck are you doing?

That's a new car and that brick you threw is going to cost a lot of money.

Why did you do it?"

The young boy was apologetic.

"Please, mister...please, I'm sorry but I didn't know what else to do,"

He pleaded. "I threw the brick because no one else would stop...

" With tears dripping down his face and off his chin,

the youth pointed to a spot just around a parked car.

"It's my brother," he said.

"He rolled off the curb and fell out of his wheelchair and I can't lift him up."

Now sobbing, the boy asked the stunned executive,

"Would you please help me get him back into his wheelchair?

He's hurt and he's too heavy for me."

Moved beyond words,

the driver tried to swallow the rapidly swelling lump in his throat.

He hurriedly lifted the handicapped boy back into the wheelchair,

then took out a linen handkerchief and dabbed at the fresh scrapes and cuts.

A quick look told him everything was going to be okay.

"Thank you and may God bless you,"

the grateful child told the stranger.

Too shook up for words,

the man simply watched the boy push his

wheelchair-bound brother down the sidewalk toward their home.

It was a long, slow walk back to the Jaguar.

The damage was very noticeable,

but the driver never bothered to repair the dented side door.

He kept the dent there to remind him of this message:

"Don't go through life so fast

that someone has to throw a brick at you to get your attention!"

God whispers in our souls and speaks to our hearts.

Sometimes when we don't have time to listen,

He has to throw a brick at us.

It's our choice to listen . . . or wait for the brick.

Thought for the Day:

If God had a refrigerator, your picture would be on it.

If He had a wallet, your photo would be in it.

He sends you flowers every spring.

He sends you a sunrise every morning.

Face it, friend - He is crazy about you!

God didn't promise days without pain,

laughter without sorrow,

sun without rain,

but He did promise strength for the day,

comfort for the tears,

and light for the way.

If God brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

You Might Be Having a Bad Day If . . .

You woke up in a strange place

Your new diet doesn't seem to be working

You pulled a muscle while trying to exercise

Your new hat looked better on you at the store

You keep losing things

You feel like you're in the wrong place at the wrong time

The boss chewed you out at work

You got caught in the rain at lunchtime

You feel trapped somehow...

Traffic on the way home was brutal

You think you might be coming down with the flu

You're home alone and you hear a noise in the basement

December 2008 

Mid-Life Perspective

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old gal. Now I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25-year-old gal, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve a mid-life crises . . .

Italian Auction Commercial - Video

A Chinese Ming vase is up for auction.
The bidding opens at a half-million Euros.
Bidding is brisk and each bidder is clearly identified as each raises the bid by 100,000 Euros.

Within seconds, the bid stalls at one million Euros,
and the gasp from the crowd identifies the excitement that prevails in the room.

The auctioneer is exuberant.
The pace is fast.
The conclusion? Priceless...! 

January 2011

Quote By William Penn

"I expect to pass through this world but once.

Any good therefore that I can do,

or any kindness that I can show to any fellow creature,

let me do it now.

Let me not defer or neglect it,

for I shall not pass this way again.'"

William Penn
1644-1718,

Religious Leader and founder of Pennsylvania

A. A. A. D. D.

Recently, A women was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my flower tubs.

As I turn on the hose I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

I go to get the car keys from the porch and then notice mail on the porch table.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the bin under the table and notice that the bin is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the rubbish first.

But then I think, I can run down to the post-box when I take out the rubbish I may as well pay the bills first. I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left. My extra checks are in the computer desk, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of soda I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the soda aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over.

The soda is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the fridge to keep it cold. As I head toward the kitchen with the soda, a vase of flowers on the window ledge catches my eye--they need water.

I put the soda on the window ledge and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my computer desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the window ledge, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone has left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the living room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but some spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

- The tubs aren't watered;

- The car isn't washed;

- The bills aren't paid;

- There is a warm can of soda sitting on the window ledge;

- The flowers don't have enough water;

- There is still only 1 check in my check book;

- I can't find the remote;

- I can't find my glasses;

- I have absolutely NO idea what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to work out why nothing got done today. I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all the darn day, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!

Calendar Quotes

Calendar Quotes from 2013